About a week ago, I was working at my local bookstore (Oh yeah, by the way, I work at Word! If you're in the area, come visit!) and a former colleague from my publishing days came in. And it was super cool--I hadn't seen him in years, he's become a very successful agent since then, not to mention a published novelist in his own right, and there to do a reading, and it was great hearing all about his doings.
And then he said, "And hey yeah, what are you up to?"
I looked around the bookstore. I am up to this. And mind you, it's a super cool bookstore and only talented and highly intelligent people like me are allowed to work there, but still....this side of five years ago former colleague guy and I were at just about the exact same place in our lives. And then I left work and had a kid and now I've gone back to work but it's only part-time and our lives are very different.
I haven't had one of these "Is this right? Is this my life?" moments in quite a long time. Years, in fact. It doesn't really work to answer former colleague guy's question with, "I'm a really good mom," but that's how I've been evaluating my worth for the past bunch of years.
I furrowed my brow over all that for a few days. And then Willow and I whipped up a batch of slime and brought it out onto the porch to play with while I picked basil from my porch planter to make pesto with, and I remembered, actually yes:
I'm a really good mom, but that's by no means all that I am (though it is a huge chunk). And I love my life at home with Willow. This moment right here is worth so much. As is watching Willow gather herbs to feed the black swallowtail caterpillar that has moved into our parsley plant (he's welcome to it. That parsley plant went to seed last year; it's flavorless now).
As is hosing down the girl-child and the porch and me and pretty much the whole world to clean up the slime.
And then he said, "And hey yeah, what are you up to?"
I looked around the bookstore. I am up to this. And mind you, it's a super cool bookstore and only talented and highly intelligent people like me are allowed to work there, but still....this side of five years ago former colleague guy and I were at just about the exact same place in our lives. And then I left work and had a kid and now I've gone back to work but it's only part-time and our lives are very different.
I haven't had one of these "Is this right? Is this my life?" moments in quite a long time. Years, in fact. It doesn't really work to answer former colleague guy's question with, "I'm a really good mom," but that's how I've been evaluating my worth for the past bunch of years.
I furrowed my brow over all that for a few days. And then Willow and I whipped up a batch of slime and brought it out onto the porch to play with while I picked basil from my porch planter to make pesto with, and I remembered, actually yes:I'm a really good mom, but that's by no means all that I am (though it is a huge chunk). And I love my life at home with Willow. This moment right here is worth so much. As is watching Willow gather herbs to feed the black swallowtail caterpillar that has moved into our parsley plant (he's welcome to it. That parsley plant went to seed last year; it's flavorless now).
2 comments:
I believe that we are born with an internal compass and our happiness can be largely dependent on the degree to which we follow that compass. Would you be as happy and fulfilled were you standing in that man's shoes? I applaud you for your wisdom and would measure your success by the enviable degree of happiness you enjoy.
Thanks for your great blog! I've been round a lot but never got to the point of leaving a comment, I'm just doing it right now because, well, I guess many of us - working-but-not-as-much-as-we-used-to mums - do have these moments. Thanks for summaring it up so clearly. Life isn't a straight line.
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