Possibly Amusing Conversations I Have Had Today Via Email

Conversation The First:

Dave: What did you do for lunch?
Me: Chipotle chicken sandwich and my book.
Dave: I went to Starbucks and got a Venti Latte. Man I'm tired.
Me: Me too.
Dave: My eyes are so dry I want to claw them out of my face. I asked the Starbucks guy if they had eyewash (since they sell everything else) but he thought I was being all flirty.
Me: What?!
Dave: The Starbucks guy thought I was hitting on him when I asked for eyewash.
Me: Why would you ask for eyewash at Starbucks?
Dave: Because my eyes were dry.
Me: What kind of person thinks someone who desires eyewash wants to make with the sexytime?
Dave: Someone who's bored?
Me: Nothing that you're saying makes any sense at all.
Dave: You're just tired.


Conversation The Second:

Me: I have a confession to make.
Mary: ?
Me: I just joined Twitter.
Mary: NO
Me: Yes. I'm sorry.
Mary: No.
Me: I know we agreed that it is the Final Doom of all dooms that are destroying civilization as we know it, worse even than cellphone novels and American Idol. But I had to.
Mary: No. Why? No. No.
Me: There's a Joss Whedon trivia game and it's really hard and it will brighten my day and bring a smile to my face and I'm going to win it because as you know I'm a nerd but in order to do so I had to join Twitter. I promise I won't tweet or anything.
Mary: Oh dear God.
Me: I had no choice.
Mary: Okay fine. Well if you start tweeting--
Me: IWON'TISWEAR
Mary: I'll have to put you down. Like an injured horse.


Conversation The Third

Me: Have a funny conversation with me.
Dave: Huh? Sorry, I have stuff to do.
Me: I wanted to write funny conversations that I had today as a blog post but I realized I've only had two and that's not very many. Also they're possibly not as funny as I think they are. So come on. Say something funny.
Dave: Are you feeling all right? I don't think this will be funny. Also I have stuff to do.
Me: No, it'll be all self-referential and meta.
Dave: Actually I think it will be lame. And don't you have stuff to do?
Me: Yes. But I'm too tired.
Dave: You know I actually didn't say any of this, right? You wrote the first thing and I went straight to 'I have stuff to do' and that was the end of that?
Me: I'm aware. But I'm writing it for you. Because that's meta, man.
Dave: Okay. You are too tired to do anything. That much is clear. Do not do any work, you will only screw up somebody's career terribly. Go play Solitaire or something.
Me: I'm writing great works of internet genius.
Dave: No, honey. No. Just no.